So... I joined the Marines... I got out of basic a few weeks ago... 3 months of a hell alot of screamin...pain...and in the end that I can look back... accomplishments. The way I look at the world is kinda different which is tight I guess I'm not brainwashed or anything... just a lil different. I'm happy though even though I got more training tomorrow for 5 more friggin weeks but thats straight too, cuz it makes me better, for the good or the bad haha, and i don't care if thats good or bad. But ya I do have a few lil... doodles packed up somewer, but ya I'm still alive, stronger than ever, feelin good and motivated for wtf ever is next.

Last night was the many of few nights I have had where I have found myself at 2 or 3 am getting off of work and heading anywhere but home for no apparent reason. I feel this constant need to go and to flee but no idea of where or how far. West would be my best guest back to good ol' Arizona or somewhere in San Fransisco where I can get lost and be a struggling bgirl waiting for Spike Lee or Wade Robson to give me their calling card. I guess its symbolic that I get lost these nights since I'm lost in life too. There is what I want to do, what I could do, but what would be most auspicious. College for seven more years is technically what I have to do to get where I really want to go, to save lives as a surgeon, to change lives, to do what I couldn't do for them... I'm so sorry. Then there is that moment where I just feel I could crack at the drop of a clock hand for the sake of sanity and join the Marines and be a bullet counter for all I care as long as I can get the fuck out of here. And then I figured it out... why Arizona and why San Fransisco? Because they hold good times and great future times? They aren't home and I realize I've never stayed anywhere long enough to call any place home. This bed I lay in at this very moment is not in my home it is in a place of which holds convenience to take care of daily necessities. And this whole area is sure as hell not home, I may work here and go to school here but if this was home I probably wouldn't be typing right now because I would have most certainly met an early demise self inflicted. I was driving to college one day and I remember looking around and started crying thinking "where the hell am I and why am I here?" I guess that is why I've been driving through these dark nights side by side with slow truckers and highway caution signs instead of coming to this house for some much needed sleep, I'm trying to find home!